WTF was I thinking - old man makes tit of himself (not fpv related)

[CurryKitten]

I thought I'd write this down, as I'm hoping doing so will be somewhat cathartic.  I've had a bit of an interesting day and now feel like I've been run over.

It all started back at the start of the year, and ITV's "Ninja Warrior UK" was on TV, it's something I watch with my daughter.  It's a simple enough show, fit people try and get over an obstacle course and we laugh at all the silly people.  Often I like to point out with an air of expertise what they are doing wrong, and how they should be doing it.

This is often accompanied with "wow dad, you know so much about this - you should be on it".  "Yes Sophie", I reply, "I expect I could do ok... not sure about that wall at the end though"

Well, I learnt the hard way that casually talking yourself up in the eyes of your little ones can be a dangerous thing.  At the end of the series, the ad came on to say "Do you want to be in the next series of Ninja Warrior, apply now".  She handed me the URL to apply, and looked at me expectantly.

So I duly applied, a quite large questionnaire to fill in, and you needed to do a 2 minute video to support your application.  Obviously most people send in video of themselves free-running, or winning ultra-marathons and stuff.  I just sat at my desk and said basically that I wasn't very fit, but I thought that a lot of these fit people were doing it wrong, and I could do at least as good.

That was back in February.  I didn't think anything of it, and by giving it my best shot in applying, I was up in Sophie's book for having a try.

So all good, except that last month I got an email through asking me to come for an audition in London, where they wanted me to do some bits to camera and "some physical activity"

My status last month was this, I'd been off work ill for 4 weeks already, and didn't go back to work until this Thursday (8 weeks off in total).  During that time I also found out I had type 2 diabetes, and I hadn't done any sort of proper exercise for, well as long as I can remember.

Sophie was very excited and immediately told everybody she knew.  I was clearly going to have to put in an appearance... but hey a bit to camera, I do that all the time for YouTube and the bit of physical activity - I'm sure it was just a quick test to make sure I wouldn't keel over and die.

So this morning, up to London we went, and I the feeling that I'd done something very *very* silly immediately hit me as I got to the venue.  Outside waiting were around 20 other people all in their 20's (I'm 45 ffs) and bristling with muscles.  All being a confident friendly bunch they started going around asking what there "thing" was.  It literally went like this - professional wakeboarder, free runner, ex professional boxer, cross-fit + aerial (I don't know what that is) and have been on another show, and me which was "Nothing really, I think I'm here as the old fella who falls in the water immediately"

I go and register and I get, "Ah yes Wayne, something on your medical was flagged up, can you see our physio".  Who was actually very nice and reassuring and just wanted to make sure I wasn't feeling faint, and had enough to drink and wanted to let me know glucose was standing by in case I had some sort of diabetes episode.

The audition is held in some "cross fit" gym, and we're told to warm up.  I was already feeling quite toasty, but people used this as an opportunity to do all sorts of weird stretches and things.  I had no idea what to do, so thought I'd copy the guy next to me, but then he did the splits, and went into a handstand still in the splits and then did push ups in this position, so I went with a bit of jogging on the spot.   Looking around, clearly I had misunderstood the physical elements of what was expected today.

We got split into groups, and I'm with 1 guy called Terence who's arms are bigger than my legs and who was on the show last year.  He's basically got the body we'd all aspire to have if we could be arsed, along with him 3 girls who were all so so young and had abs sticking out.

Happily we did the camera stuff first, although with only 90 seconds to talk, I could get as much out as I wanted.  I didn't even get to talk about FPV, which I thought would make me more more interesting.

Down to the gym and we would be running a timed 200m.. this didn't sound to bad - other than it's 10m to a line and then back, so 20 lengths of this.  I haven't run for years - 3 operations on my knees and my doctor has said "If a lion is chasing you or something, then run - otherwise don't".  I got to run with Terence - lucky me.  I was ok for about 4 lengths, and then I started feeling quite dizzy, so dropped the speed more and more.  Terence was 3 lengths ahead of me when I came in, where I was ready to die and was actually quite concerned about passing out.  I grabbed a water and tried to fake I was pacing it a bit.

Meantime they wanted us to move immediately to a balance section in which Terence fell off - ha ha.  I managed to get a better technique together here and get through the first balance section before coming off the slack line a few feet from the end.  1 of the girls made it all the way, but the others wiped out.  Go me, I felt good.

That feeling didn't last long because next up was chin ups.  Last time I tried a chin up it ended in 0 chinups performed, and they didn't just want it anyway you could get it they wanted us to hang arms fully outstretched and go up when they said and then right back down.  Shit, could I even hold a bar for more than a few seconds.  With some luck, between the illness and the restricted diet I'm on, I've managed to shed quite a bit of weight, about 1.5 stone, so with surprise I managed to do 2 pull ups, which doubled my best ever score.  Terence did the full 15 of course, and the girls were there very close.  I asked one of the producers if anyone had ever done worse than 2 and he said "yes, I'm sure they have", then thought for a second and said "It's the first audition of the day".  So that's a no then, officially the worst chinup-er ever.

Next up we had to hand off a pole, swing up to 3 times and release to go as far as possible.  This wasn't so bad, it's technique based again, so I ended up 2nd here with some surprising "I don't know how to swing myself" efforts from the girls.

Next jump up a wall and try and get as high as possible, technique again, use your foot to against the wall to get an extra step and launch - I was well up there.  Yay again.

They saved the worst until last though - they had 5 weird shapes, a cylinder, ball, square etc.  You had to hold on to them and go across to the other side, touch a mark and then navigate back and do the same - keep going for 90 seconds.  Holding onto one of these was like trying to hold on to a slippery eel, I just kept coming straight off, meantime Terance (who was with me again) was busily transversing side to side.  So I got a fat 0.  Still, despite the girls getting further along, none of them managed to score either - so not all bad.

Lastly we had to jump onto a trampette, fly approx 6ft onto a rope and hang there using only your arms (no legs) for 30 seconds.  I was made up that I hit the rope and just didn't end up flat on my face.  I was determined to hold on, but whatever grip strength I had had deserted me long ago, and after about 5 seconds despite my best efforts I found myself still hanging on for grim death, but with my knees touching the floor.

Frankly, the fact I got out of there alive was a miracle.  I was the oldest in the group by 15 years, and most of them could have been my children.  I fulfilled my obligation to take part, and I just hope they don't want me on the show, because looking at my performance, I would most definitely be the old fella to laugh at because he instantly falls in.

Sophie was happy anyway (as she managed to stand outside during my swing and jump and thought it looked cool)

Fathers: Don't be pressured into stuff by small people

[Coyote]

Lmao that was a brilliant read. Kudos for going along with it to try and save face :)

[FPVSteve]

That was hilarious :D

despite my best efforts I found myself still hanging on for grim death, but with my knees touching the floor.

:laugh:

[BlueFlyer]

Haha, Wayne, you've actually inspired me to apply :)

[Billy_boy_2010]

That was just brilliant!!  ;D ;D

[Ratty]

I love that show, and i hope they call you back and i get to see you on TV Wayne.

I will point and laugh.  ;D

[_tj_]

I love that show, and i hope they call you back and i get to see you on TV Wayne.

I will point and laugh.  ;D

+1 to that.

I'd have a go if it
A) wasn't on tv
B) Didn't have camera's there.
C) could be arsed.

At 40 I still am pretty atheletic, but not a muscular atheletic.

I run to the toilet when I can't be bothered to go straight away.
I run to the car when I need to go to the shop 2 mins away.
I run whenever anyone in the household shouts can you just............

In fact I never realised how much running I actually do.
I have one question, why the hell do i feel so old lol.

Good job CK, hopefully you'll get  a call back.
I record it, so when I can't sleep I can at least have a quiet giggle while the house sleeps.

[Dillwhacker]

Brilliant and well written dude !
I've just had my hip replaced by a lump of Titanium & ceramic, so count me out.....
Hang on....maybe....Just maybe.....
:o

[Gundummy]

That is simply epic lol

[Brucey]

Fathers: Don't be pressured into stuff by small people

Noted!

[jt]

 :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:  Well done for having the balls to go  :bravo:

[bignose13]

Nice read Wayne, made me smile for the first time in 8 days
You'll be picked of course, the old man and I were picked for a game show called today's the day, we went to the audition and were crap, we just knew we were out, imagine the surprise when the letter came saying were on, if your picked forget wining and do what me and dad did, treat it as a jolly and enjoy all the free food, drinks etc 👍
Good luck anyway mate

[Lola]

Excellent Wayne....excellent! 😂😂😂

[iwan_canobi]

Loved this, had a good chuckle reading it! Good on you for going, I think though you can guarantee you will be picked! Sounded like your 'technique over fitness' idea could be true for a lot of the course!

I look forward to seeing you on the telly, make sure you let us know the outcome! :D

Also need a status update of just how sore you are in a couple of days! :P

[CurryKitten]

Also need a status update of just how sore you are in a couple of days! :P

What do you mean, no ill effects at all.....  Unless you count being able to bend your legs ever again



Also, my back and arms hurt and I can't make a fist without pain, but aside from that, all rosey